View Essay by member 10 years old

My favourite television show.
 
 

  My favourite television show. 

1. My favourite television show is Mr. Bean.He is a funny person.He does
2. a lot fuuny action like pretend to be a salesman in a shop when he
3. wants to buy a thing in a shop.
   
4. This show is on every Sunday,10:30am on ntv7.Sometimes he does some
5. bad actions like steal some thing from the palace.We should not
6. inmitate him.We must just watch,not to inmitate him.Some thing he
7. does is dangerous like if he is lazy to paint the house,he would use
8. the bom and put in the white paint and burn the bom.Then,he quickly
9. ran out of his house and covered his ears.So,the paint will fly out
10. from the pail and onto the walls in his house.If you inmitate
11. him,you will maybe burn the whole house.
   
12. He will sell every single thing in his house to get money to buy him
13. a new sofa that cost 300 dollars.He is crazy.So, be careful.Don't
14. sell your things in your house to get a new sofa.
   
15. I like this show because I like his action though its dangerous.I
16. will not inmitate him because some of his action is dangerous.
   
17. That is why I like to watch this show.I'll never miss it when I'm
18. free.
   
 
Rated by Buddy :
   
Comments and Remarks

Dear member,

 

I am very happy to see the initiative in you. I enjoy reading your essay as it contains details which make it really interesting, such as what Mr. Bean does in each of the exciting episodes. You have written it quite clearly for the readers to understand and I especially like the way you put in moral lessons as well as good advice in your writing.  

Overall it's a good essay and here are some ideas on how you make it better. 

  1. First, you should try to paragraph your essay properly. This is important as we should try limiting it to one idea per paragraph to help our readers understand our thoughts better. It will also get you more marks in exams.  For example, you could start your first paragraph by rearranging your sentences in this way, 'My favourite television programme is Mr.Bean. It is aired on ntv7 every Sunday at 10.30 am. This comedy is mainly about a very eccentric man called Bean.' This would make a nice and short introduction. Of course you can add more details to it later such as how long you have been following the programme, and who else likes the programme in your family. In your second and third paragraph, you can start writing about some of the funny things that happened in the show with more details to make it more interesting such as what actually happened when he was trying to steal things from a palace, how he painted the house, and how he actually sold everything to purchase a new and expensive sofa.

 

  1. I like the conclusion you wrote for your essay. You have actually included a moral value to summarise your liking for the programme and this is good. Well done! You may start your last paragraph like this, 'I like this show because although Mr Bean always attempts to do dangerous things, it never fails to make me laugh watching him. However, I clearly know that the things that he does are dangerous and I will not try to imitate them in any way.' You may add other details to your last paragraph to create the impact because this is your last chance to make a strong and lasting impression. Try adding details like why others should watch the programme as well.

 

 

 

On the grammatical aspect, there are a few things that you should pay attention to.

 

Line 2: It should be 'pretending to be' and not 'pretend'. The word 'pretending' in this context functions as a gerund.

 

Line 3: The correct preposition is 'from a shop' and not 'in...'

 

Line 5: Just like 'pretending', the right form should be 'stealing'

 

Line 7: 'Some of the things he does are'

 

Line 8: Use the word 'ignite' instead of 'burn'.

 

Line 8~9: 'he would quickly run out of his house and cover' You should use the same form as your previous sentence, 'he would use the bomb'

 

Line 9: The word 'fly' is not accurate. Try alternatives like 'spatter' or 'splash'.

 

Line 10~11: ' you might burn down the whole house.' and not 'you will maybe' as it is not a correct English expression. Do not translate Chinese expressions into English. It will make you sound awful.

 

Line 12: '...to buy himself' should be the correct form in your context because 'to buy him' would have implied that you are referring to another person.

 

Line 13 : 'a new sofa that costs' The subject 'a new sofa' is singular.

 

Line 14: 'So, be careful not to sell the things' Joining the two sentences will make your idea sound smoother.

 

Line 16: 'some of his actions are dangerous.' The subject is singular.

 

Line 17: 'This is why' instead of 'That'

 

 

 

You don't have much problem with spelling, and will become even better when you do more writing. I have listed the words that you have spelled wrongly, so please use the correct spelling when you send me the second draft of your essay.

 

 

Spelling errors:

 

Line: 2: 'fuuny' should be spelt 'funny'

 

Line 6,10,16 : 'inmiatate' should be spelt 'imitate'

 

Line 8: 'bom' is the Malay spelling. Is should be 'bomb'.

 

Line 15: 'its' should be spelt 'it's' which means 'it is'

 

  

Now that I have given you some pointers and things that you should correct, I am looking forward to reading your second draft, meaning you will have to do the correction for this essay and send it to me again.

 

Well, all the best.

 

 

Your Buddy,

 

John

 

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